POLICE JOKES / BLAGUES POLICE
- Necessary Force
- How NOT to rob a liquor store
- Being a cop is hard
- Moron robber
- BBC CopsUndies video
- Field sobriety test video
- Policeman's dream video / Rêve de policier vidéo
- Pursuit force
- Pursuit video / Vidéo d'une poursuite
- Pursuit video 2 / Vidéo d'une poursuite 2
- Bad robbers video / Vidéo de mauvais voleurs
- Robbery attempt animated GIF / GIF animé d'un attentat de vol
- Dancing officer video / Vidéo officier qui danse
- Faut me croire Monsieur l'agent
- Blagues en français / French jokes
(double-click to enlarge / clickez deux fois pour agrandir)
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Police car bumper stickers / Auto-collants pour véhicules de police
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A police officer is driving by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The police officer jumps from his patrol car, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful hit from his baton. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the police officer brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the officer, says, ' Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a police officer do in my whole life. '
'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as my duties require. '
'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the front page. The journalist leaves.
The following morning the police officer buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
POLICE OFFICER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT WITH NIGHT STICK AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day Gladys and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a pig. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Marilyn called him an arsehole. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were
they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so
we're just waiting.
FUNNY THINGS SAID BY POLICE
- I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.
- Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!
- Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.
- The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
- If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
- So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?
- Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
- Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.
- The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?
- Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
- No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
- Just how big were those two beers?
- Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.
- Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?
- What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.
- No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.
- Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.
- She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.
- Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.
- HAVE A NICE DAY.
MURPHY'S LAW FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT
- New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy stains.
- Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.
- Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.
- You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.
- Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
- The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
- The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
- Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
- If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.
- Coffee machines only brake down on the graveyard shift.
- Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.
- You will only forget to go to court when the case is presided over by the meanest Judge in town.
- To error is human, to forgive is against department policy.
- You will find a "police discount" one day before payday.
- Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
- You will remain in perfect health until your days off.
- Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.
- No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas.
- Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
- The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.
- Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
- Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
- Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.
- You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions.
- If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.
- The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.
- Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.
- Bullet proof vests might be.
- The number of citizen that approach you during lunch is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have to eat.
- Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.
- Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density.
- Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.
- NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.
- Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.
- You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training.
- The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting.
- Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.
- Your bullet proof vest was supplied by the lowest bidder.
- You receive a subpoena for a major felony case for the first day of your paid for, non-refundable vacation.
- In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks.
- Do unto others, but do it first.
- Eat right, Exercise, Die anyway.
- You will be caller into work on your day off when your family has planned a party at the lake.
- Your squad car will only break down when you are outside your beat.
- Waterproof boots aren't.
- You will be flagged down by a citizen when you are on your way to the PD with a bad case of diareah.
- You will only be stopped for speeding off duty when you have forgotten your badge and DL
- Freebees will only arrive at the station on your days off.
- There will be no parking spaces around the court house when you are running late to appear.
- There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.
- You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.
- You will only be subpoenaed to court at 0900 hrs in the morning after working an 18 hour day.
- To err is human, just do it in front of as few people as possible!
- Anyone that flirts with you on-duty won't even recognize you off-duty.
- The hardest job for a Hostage Negotiator is to negotiate with the crisis committee!
- No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes another's idea...usually the Chief's
- If your patrol car's air is out the suspect will smell worse than a wet dog.
- On the nights where you have to go grocery shopping in uniform, you will get pissed on by a drunk.
- When your in a hurry, that is when all slow and "lack of attention" drivers are driving on the road.
- You always have a big use of force on your Friday before your vacation.
- Never respond to a domestic with anyone braver than you
- If your raid is going well, you're at the wrong house
- The one time you cuss on the radio, your chief will be listening
- Your overheads and siren will only fail during a pursuit
- You will only roll through a stop sign when your Chief is sitting at the other side of the intersection
- K-9 unites only do stupid thing's in public
- The day you let your girlfriend ride out with you, your wife comes by the station to visit.
- Court will be cancelled only after you have changed all your plans to be there.
- You will be decorated for stupidity, and busted for brilliant work.
- When closing the Sally Port door, if a fellow officers car is under it pushing the stop button will only slow it down.
- Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
- Anything that you do can get you shot - including doing nothing!
- The first sip from the first coffee of your shift always triggers the dispatcher to send you on a call usually an emergency or something that will cause the coffee to go cold before you can return to it.
- You will only lock yourself out of your cruiser when a Supervisor is on scene, about to arrive on scene or is the only person available to fetch the spare set of keys from the station.
- Putting in a request to go home early is the best way to jinx yourself and end up on overtime.
- It will always be busy as hell when you don't feel like doing anything and will always be dead as heck when you are out looking for something to do.
- Just when you are thinking about making a pit stop in case they call you for an emergency they'll call you for an emergency.
- Crime only occurs on days that end in y.
- You will only talk bad about another officer when they are standing behind you.
- The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
- You will run out of road flares on the foggiest or darkest night of the year
- Don't think of it as being outnumbered and surrounded, think of it as a really low risk of ammunition wastage.
- When placing cuffs on a suspect, you will always close them to the point that it takes half an hour to back them up so blood can circulate.
- The one time you wake up late and don't have time to iron your uniform is the one time the chief comes to roll call.
- Your transmission will work just fine, until you get into a chase.
- The only time Chief's come out from behind their desk is to overreact!
- After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
- You will only get a citizen complaint when your video camera or tape recorder is broken.
- Your cars AM/FM radio will only go out when you have had only 4 hours of sleep before your shift.
- Your radar will only malfunction when you see a car you know is going over 100 MPH
- You will always get a "Hot" call at the same moment you realize your weapon is still in the gun locker back at the jail.
- For every good deed done there is a Lawyer to undo it.
NOTICE TO ALL POLICE OFFICERS
FROM: Communications BureauSUBJECT: Radio Room Reminders
We dispatchers, being 25% mental and 75% professional, give to you our point of view. Please let it be known that:
- When you are given a call, we don't care if you are leaving the East Side of Hell.......JUST GO!
- When given a call, do not say any sentence that begins with "Okay, but first hold me out at......". When you are on a self-initiated call, say so then; not two days later.
- We CALL tows, we don't drive them and we can't make them hurry.
- It's not a plot to get you. When you are responding to a traffic accident, we really don't know what side of the street the wreck is on. We don't have crystal ball, x-ray vision or ESP.
- If we say something is not in the computer, IT'S REALLY ISN'T.
- The computers really do go down. And often.
- WE don't take the calls on the phone. Yes, Officers there really are Call Takers. Calls actually come up on our call screens with no descriptions, no call back numbers, and not even next of kin notification. You can cuss us, but we have a rule: we can't cuss the Call Takers, or insult their family members.
- Hang out on your calls, we don't care. But when your fellow officer in the same sector does it, and you have to respond to his call, get mad at him.......not us.
- Know that we DO call you names, just as quick as you call us names.
- To All Off Duty Officers: We are not furnished with an off duty list and we don't know which club you may be working that weekend, since you club hop more than partying public.
- To All District Clerks: We are not Call Takers. We are not Police Officers and you sure as hell are not Dispatchers. If you have a non-emergency call, use the phone......not the radio.
- We really do have only 2 hands, 2 feet, 2 ears, and one mouth. We really don't have an assistant helping us with all your requests, so please show us a little patients.
- Emergency traffic means just that. SHUT UP and LISTEN for the ALL CLEAR!! You would be the first one to raise hell if you were the one that needed the radio.
- At shift change, calls do not stop coming in. We don't care if you pass the call along to the Chief himself as long as it's off our screen.
- Those radios in you hands have a two-second delay. USE IT. Your transmissions do break up, and above all.....we TALK on the radio, we don't work on them. We can't twist our bodies into antennas or stand on our heads for better reception.
- We know that some of you get excited and scream. That's okay, but to those of you who scream to clear for your lunch break, run a plate, asked for a time check, well..............we reserve those "special calls" (sex assaults, rollover DUI accidents, DOA's or any other call that has alot of paper) just for you.
- And finally........we all have one thing in common. We all must be a little weird for choosing these jobs, or we wouldn't be here. We respect the job you do, so please give us that respect in return.
Be safe.
Your Dispatchers.
Recently, a web site ran an e-mail forum (a question and
answer exchange) where the topic was "Policing the Community."
One of the civilian email participants posed the following question: "I would
like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people
and get away with it?"
From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) a cool cop with a sense of
humor replied:
It is not easy. In California we average one cop for every 2,000 people. About
60% of those cops are on patrol, where we do most of the harassing. One-fifth of
that 60% are on duty at any given moment and are available for harassing people.
So, one cop is responsible for harassing about 10,000 residents. When you toss
in the commercial, business and tourist locations that attract people from other
areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for
harassing 20,000 or more people each day.
A ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds. This gives a cop one second to harass a
person, and three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person
to harass. This is not an easy task. Most cops are not up to it, day in and day
out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow
down those people which we harass.
They are as follows:
PHONE:
People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person
for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase we
use. Then we come out and give special harassment. Another popular one on a
weeknight is, "The kids next door are having a loud party."
CARS:
We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass
the drivers of fast cars, cars blasting music, cars with expired registration
stickers and the like. It is lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for
nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap
the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, are driving drunk,
or they have an outstanding warrant.
RUNNERS:
Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is
quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny.
When you catch them you can harass them for hours.
CODES:
When you can think of nothing else to do, there are books that give ideas for
reasons to harass folks. They are called "Codes" Penal, Vehicle, Health and
Safety, Business and Professional Codes, to name a few. They spell out all sorts
of things for which you can really mess with people.
After you read the code, you can just drive around for a while until you find
someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I
saw a guy smash a car window. Well, the code says that is not allowed. That
meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a pretty cool system that we
have set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with
it. Why? The good citizens who pay the tab actually like the fact that we keep
the streets safe for them. Next time you are in my town, give me a single finger
wave. That will be a signal that you wish for me to take a little closer look at
you, and then maybe I'll find a reason to harass YOU.
Looking forward to meeting you!
POLICE DEPARTMENT VOICE MAIL
Police Voice Mail Sound File (click here to download)
Hello you have reached the _________________ Police Department
Voice mail.
Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual
circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:
- To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself press 1
- To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2
- To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighbourhood safe, press 3
- If you would like us to raise your children, press 4
- If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5
- If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6
- To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7
- To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge, that you pay our salary or proclaim our career is over, press 8
- To hear this menu again, wrap aluminium foil around your head and turn around three times.
TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOUR MARRIED TO A COP
- When you start an argument, he calls for back-up
- Refers to bedroom as "The Pokey"
- Secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie
- Calls farting his "silent alarm"
- The obvious nightstick reference.
- You never hear him say, " OH, Man.... not donuts again !!"
- Refers to his winkie as "the ol' breathalyzer!"
- Stops you in the middle of sex to ask you if you knew how fast you were going.
- Handcuffs don't turn him on anymore.
- YES, that IS a gun in his pocket !!!!!
THINGS NOT TO SAY IF YOU GET PULLED OVER
- I pay your salary!
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
- Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to stay with me! Good job!
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- Bad cop! No donut!
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- You're not going to check the trunk are you?
- Gee, that gut sure does inspire confidence.
- Didn't I see you get your but kicked on cops?
- So, uh, you on the take, or what?
- Are you Andy or Barney?
- Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning too!
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car on the around - that's how far ahead of me they are.
- What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" your the trained specialist.
- Well, when I reached down to pick up my beer, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
- Oh yeah? If you knew anything at all, you wouldn't BE just a traffic cop!
- No, YOU 'assume the position,' Piggy.
- I'm surprised you stopped me! Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
- No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
- No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
- Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
- Want to race to the station, Sparky?
- I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
- On the way to the station, what's say we pick us up a six pack?
- You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . you wuss!
- Come on write the dang ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
- Hey, wasn't that your daughter on Second Avenue ?
- How long is this going to take? Your girlfriend is expecting me.
- What do you use those rubber gloves for?"
- When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
TOP TEN SIGNS THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN'T LIKE YOU:
- He refers to you as "our mascot".
- Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
- Your locker is also the broom closet.
- The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
- He sends you on drug raids - alone.
- He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
- He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
- You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
- He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
- He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PARTNER NEEDS A VACATION:
- He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
- He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
- He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
- He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
- He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
- He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
- He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
- The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
- Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
- He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
UNOFFICIAL RADIO CODES
Alpha Hotel : Asshole
Buck 98 : Equipment worth a buck 98
Delta Tango : Pick me up an egg and cheese burrito at Del Taco
Echo Romeo : Don’t bother me now I’m watching ER
Elephant : Head up your ass
Foxtrot : Don’t bother me now I’m watching Friends
ITW : In the wind
Mike : Management present
Monkey : Hold any paper calls for the next shift
Romeo : Homosexuals
SOL : Shit out of luck
Tango Hotel : Pick me up/or picking up a coffee at Tim Hortons®
Zulu : Sleeping
WHAT
IS SAID and WHAT IS MEANT
THE LAW ENFORCEMENT TRANSLATOR
While on routine patrol....
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner...
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN--DON'T FEED THE PIGS"
The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from
doing traffic control....
It was raining.
This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a
street informant.....
It was too hot to ride in the car
I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner.....
The dirt-bag let go with an 'Oink' as I walked by.
Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
He puked on my uniform one night
The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable
information in the past...
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...
While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the
act.
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses.
The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations.
I wrote one citation for each swear-word he used.
Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from
inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard
Patton's army so I kicked in the door.
The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within
departmental policies...
I sent them to a non-existent address which I called
the 'Command Post'
The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.
I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store
and who was free after my shift was over.
Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions....
Tonight is my bowling night.
Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
My favorite song is 'Drop kick me Jesus Through the
Goal Post of Life"
The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before
the judge at his arraignment...
I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge
the same name he called me.
YOU MIGHT BE A COP IF...
- You believe that some people should have to get a permit to reproduce.
- A little "stick time" has nothing to do with baseball.
- You have the bladder capacity of three people.
- You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.
- Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery and a car chase.
- You've asked Santa for an automatic weapon.
- You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
- Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.
- You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
- Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
- You own Kevlar underwear.
- You find humor in other people's stupidity.
- You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
- You buy black leather for reasons other than home entertainment.
- You have restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
- You know "GOING POSTAL" doesn't mean mailing a letter.
- You believe that "ugly in public" should be grounds for arrest.
- You fear the outcome if someone comments, "Boy it sure is quiet."
- You believe that coffee and donuts are two of the four food groups.
- You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which its located.
- You own at least five pairs of mirrored glasses.
- You've wanted to fence off part of your city and turn it into a prison.
- You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.
- You have had to put the caller on hold before you started laughing.
- You wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first time."
- You have heard a Sergeant say, "Who's in charge of this mess, anyway."
- You paid more for your sidearm than you did for your car.
- It occurs to you that you are policing "The Twilight Zone."
- You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
- You refer to your work as "collecting garbage."
- You think of politicians, lawyers and disease causing bacteria as the same lifeform.
- You think that if you weren't meant to drive fast, they wouldn't have given you a car with lights and sirens.
- You haven't seen it all - just all the sick parts.
- You have trouble differentiating between counsel and client.
- You believe that everyone's IQ drops by 50% when they get behind the wheel of a car.
- You know that Miranda wasn't a dancer.
- You don't see daylight from November to May.
- People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room, because they think it's funny and original.
- You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."
- You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
- You believe strongly in involuntary sterilization.
- You believe in a "public stupidity" law, for those cases where nothing else fits.
- You are beginning to like the smell of pepper spray in the evening air.
- You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
- Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
- The person you're speaking with states, "That's not mine. I have no idea how that got there."
- You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow more than a .15
- People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places.
- You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.
- You've started a sentence with the phrase "We had this awesome dead body earlier. You should have seen it."
- A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear.
- You've written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.
- You've often heard the reply, "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me."
- You have your weekends off planned for a year.
Police Officer in Court
If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been sharp as
this police officer. A
defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It
went like this....
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the
offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you
trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where
you change your clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that
you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same
officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the
courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood. "
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, police officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike, he swore at them, and then left.
The next day, the phone rang at Mike's house... "Hey, Mike! Did the police come to your house?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy "
Two cars were waiting at a stop light. The light turned green,
but the man in the front car didn't notice. The woman in the car behind him
starts pounding on her steering wheel and yelling for the man to move. The man
doesn't move, and the woman goes ballistic inside her car... ranting and raving,
pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light then turns yellow, and the
woman blows her horn longer, gesturing with one finger and screaming curses at
the man. The man, upon hearing the commotion, looks up... sees the yellow
light... and accelerates through the intersection as the light turns red.
By now the woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration having missed her
chance to pass through the intersection. As she is in mid-rant, she hears a tap
on her window and turns to look into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious
looking policeman. He tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in
sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After shutting the engine,
the policeman orders her to exit the car with her hands up. She gets out, and at
his orders, turns and places her hands on her car roof, upon which the officer
quickly handcuffs and hustles her into the patrol car.
Too bewildered by this chain of events to ask any questions, she is driven to
the police stations where she is fingerprinted, searched, booked and placed in a
cell. After a few hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for
her. He escorts her back to the booking desk where the original officer is
waiting with her personal belongings.
After returning them to her he says, "I'm really sorry for this mistake, but you
see, I pulled up behind your car as you were blowing your horn, gesturing with
your finger and cussing a blue streak at the car in front of you And when I
noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" and "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper
stickers, the "Choose Life" license plate holder and the chrome-plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk, I naturally assumed you'd stolen the car.
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. This is great he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
I can get away from him with no problem thought the man and he gunned it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing. He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice weekend."
A State Police officer was sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers He sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- eyes wide open and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding. But you
should know that driving lower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she says. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty-two miles an
hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken. They haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer says.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge
and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?" The guy says,
"I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two
fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly
stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....."
A
cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking".He sees a couple
in a car, with the interior
light open. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel,
reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.Puzzled
by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window.
The young man lowers his window..."Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night...and
nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25 sir."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and says, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a Texas Ranger. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, " He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children. "
The next-door neighbor protested, " Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. "
The wife replied, " Yes, but who wants HIM back? "
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But
one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10
year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign
which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,
another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS"
and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?"
The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics.
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says: "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth, woman!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo....of handcuffs.
A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop
sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please."
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just rant that stop sign back there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless, sir, you are required to come to complete stop, look both ways,
and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me."
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles,
and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and
you didn't. Now, if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the donut
shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration
immediately."
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a
complete stop."
The policeman had enough.
"Sir, I can do better than that."
He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to
methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now, sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to complete stop?"
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days. The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..
A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the backseat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and
try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the
front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
The man was so drunk that everyone else left the bar and drove off before he had
even put the keys in the ignition. Finally, he started his engine and
began to pull away.
Chuckling at the pathetic driver, the police officer stopped him, read him
his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a
reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly
the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never
thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute
and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the
results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working
on a murder case!"
The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get
him out.
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there
and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet
when you come in, my wife'll
kill us both!"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday, you take away my license, and then today, you expect me to show it to
you!"
Attorney: Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you?
Officer: Approximately one-half mile.
Attorney: Can you see clearly for one-half mile?
Officer: Yes.
Attorney: Well Officer, I'm in doubt that can you see clearly an incident that
is occurring one-half mile away. So suppose you tell us all again just how far
you can see!
Officer: Well sir, on a clear night, I can all the way to the moon.
A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police force. The
question asked: "If you were driving a police car, alone on a lonely road at
night, and were being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty miles an
hour, what would you do?"
The young man answered without a second's
thought: "Seventy!"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Subject: Tech support revenge - Bill Gate's Police Call
"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"
"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"
"No."
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"
"Bill Gates."
"Country?"
"The USA."
"Native language?"
"English."
"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this
number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a
pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person
distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."
"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard
pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"
"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I
really don't think it was a custard pie."
"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"
"Yes."
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"No."
"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Yes."
"Any pies then?"
"No."
"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again.
I'll wait."
"Just a minute.." "Okay, I'm back."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not."
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like
things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it
happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again.
Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department."
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked a**hole.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...the more I cussed at him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day.
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is!" I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Extraits de rapports de police:
- Ses explications étaient si embrouillées que nous avons dû le relâcher, faute d'avoir la preuve que nous pouvions comprendre ses explications.
- Il rédigea lui-même par écrit son témoignage oral.
- Le suspect s'est alors décidé à passer aux aveux sans même qu'on ait à le frapper . . .
- Il lui bottait le derrière à tour de bras.
- Il était cloué sur son lit d'hôpital par deux coups de couteau au bras.
- L'homme était assez lucide pour constater qu'il n'avait plus toute sa lucidité.
- Le motif du vol était le meurtre.
- Ayant perdu les deux bras, le conducteur faisait de grands signes pour attirer l'attention des autres automobilistes.
- Bien que nous étions 5 à encercler l'homme, celui-ci réussit à s'enfuir sans difficulté.
- Toutes les entrées de la femme étant verrouillées, les deux cambrioleurs la pénétrèrent par le devant.
- Nous avons été obligés de constater le décès avant que le mort ne nous décrive son agresseur.
- Un violent coup de marteau l'avait cloué au lit depuis deux jours.
- Pour sortir, il est clair que l'homme avait d’abord dû entrer.
- Le récidiviste n'avait jamais rien eu à se reprocher.
- Le mur avançait à grand pas vers le véhicule.
- La disparition de l'enfant a été signalée par ses parents dès son retour.
- La femme essayait de cacher son identité derrière ses larmes.
- Les recherches ont permis de retrouver rapidement les 5 cadavres des 2 disparus.
- Personne n'ayant donné les ordres nécessaires, il n'était pas difficile d'y obéir.
- Soudain, la voiture recula pour mieux avancer.
- Le pendu est mort noyé.
- Le cadavre ne semblait pas en possession de toutes ses facultés.
- Arrêté par les enquêteurs, le voleur les a menacés d'appeler la police.
- Il est à noter que les deux véhicules sont entrés en collision l'un avec l'autre exactement le même jour.
- Le plaignant, visiblement en état d'ébriété, prétendait s'appeler Jésus et signa le formulaire d'une croix.
- Si nos policiers n'étaient pas intervenus, le viol n'aurait sûrement jamais eu lieu.
- L'homme qui était aussi sourd que son épouse, ne semblait pas s'entendre très bien avec elle. Nous avons donc pu constater qu'il n'y avait rien à constater.
- C'est la pluie qui empêcha le policier de s'apercevoir qu'il neigeait.
- L'homme nous raconta toute la vérité qui n'était en fait qu'un tissu de mensonges.
- Pendant tout l'interrogatoire, l'homme n'a cessé de nous dévisager avec ses propres yeux.
- Maîtrisé par nos soins, l'homme s'est enfui à toutes jambes, malgré sa jambe artificielle qui s'était décrochée.
- Les neufs coups de couteau sur le cou et le visage de la victime laissaient croire à une mort qui n'était pas naturelle.
- L'homme n'accepta de signer la déposition que du bout des lèvres.
- La tête ne lui tenait plus que par la peau du derrière.
- Le coup porté à bout portant lui a enfoncé la moitié des dents dans les oreilles.
- Le défunt a formellement reconnu son agresseur.
- La mer était sa terre natale.
- Le suspect étant sans domicile fixe, les policiers purent le cueillir quand il sortit enfin de chez lui.
- L'homme avait suffisamment gardé la tête froide pour ranger soigneusement les morceaux de corps au congélateur.
- Mort sur le coup, l'homme avait déjà été victime d'un accident identique l'an dernier.
- Percé de plusieurs balles, le cadavre flottait quand même dans la rivière.
- La victime, blessée à une jambe, est venue jusqu'à l'auto patrouille en copulant sur une jambe.
- Comme il devait être pris en charge au plus vite par un asile d'aliénés, il a été conduit au poste de police.
Jésus et la drogue.
Jésus, dans un état d'énervement avancé, convoque tous ses disciples et
apôtres pour une réunion d'urgence concernant la forte consommation de drogue
sur terre. Après avoir mûrement réfléchi, ils arrivent à la conclusion que pour
régler le problème, ils doivent d'abord goûter les drogues eux-mêmes et ensuite
décider de la façon d'agir. Il fut donc décidé qu'une commission formée
d'apôtres retourne sur terre afin de collecter les différentes drogues.
L'opération secrète se déroule donc, et 2 jours après, les apôtres mandatés
commencent à revenir au paradis. Jésus attend à la porte et demande au premier :
Qui est là ?
C'est Paul.
Jésus ouvre la porte. Qu'as-tu ramené Paul ?
Haschisch du Maroc.
Très bien mon fils, entre.
Qui est là ?
C'est Marc.
Jésus ouvre la porte. Qu'as-tu ramené Marc ?
Marijuana de Colombie.
Très bien mon fils, entre.
Qui est là ?
C'est Mathieu.
Jésus ouvre la porte. Qu'as-tu ramené Mathieu ?
Cocaïne de Bolivie.
Très bien mon fils, entre.
Qui est là ?
C'est Jean.
Jésus ouvre la porte. Qu'as-tu ramené Jean?
Ecstasy de Montréal.
Très bien mon fils, entre.
Qui est là ?
C'est Luc.
Jésus ouvre la porte. Qu'as-tu ramené Luc?
Speed d'Amsterdam.
Très bien mon fils, entre.
Qui est là ?
C'est Judas.
Jésus ouvre la porte. Qu'as tu ramené Judas?
Sûreté du Québec. Tout le monde contre le mur...
C'est une policière blonde qui intercepte une conductrice
blonde, jusqu'ici ça va bien...
La policière blonde explique l'infraction et demande à la conductrice blonde son permis de conduire...
La conductrice demande "c'est quoi ça?"
La policière blonde lui explique que c'est carré et que sa
photo apparaît dessus...
La conductrice blonde fouille dans son sac à main et tombe
sur un petit miroir carré, le regarde et le remet à la
policière blonde.
La policière blonde le regarde et lui répond "vous auriez dû
le dire que vous étiez dans la police!"
La police, c'est comme la Sainte Vierge. Si elle n'apparaît pas de temps en temps le doute s'installe. - Michel Audiard
